Mood: Sleepysad.

~~~~

It’s one of those nights.

You Potterheads know what I’m talking about.

The ones where anything remotely Harry-Potter related triggers a wave of crushing nostalgia and tears.

I was playing Lego Harry Potter Years 5-7. A harmless, sunshiny Lego game, mind you. The ones that are bright and cheery and adorable. I got to the beginning of the battle and just started to feel SAD. Not because of the impending sadness in the game itself, but in the realization that the newness will be gone after I finish the initial playthrough. Just like the books, movies, and other video games.

So I creeped on the PPD tag… And now I’m crying.

You have no idea how much I wish I was joking about all of this. I know I should have moved on by now. But it still feels so fresh to me. Just the other day, my dad was telling me about how he watched DH Part 2 for the first time and got sad when it ended because he thought of the first time we went to see Sorcerer’s Stone together, back when I was just about to turn nine. I had to work HARD to force my mind onto other things. Describing that short exchange to my mom nearly had me in tears.

Not to mention my Sorcerer’s Stone VHS finally bit the dust a few days ago. I legitimately shed a few tears over that event. Privately, of course, but it was one of the last surviving relics of my VHS-riddled childhood. My copy of Fellowship of the Ring is sure to be next. Note to self: Guard with life. O_O

Anyway. My feelings are all over the place at the moment. I’ve stopped tearing up long enough to collect my thoughts and write a coherent post, but my mind is bathing simultaneously in nostalgia and rationalizations for said nostalgia. As much as I know my friends are attached to Harry Potter, and as much as my parents always tell me that they understand how I feel… I just don’t think anybody really gets it. It’s something that you have to experience to understand, I think. Either that, or you have to sit and listen to another Potterhead’s experience without passing any judgment. I’m looked at as a freak for being into this series. A well-adjusted, well-disguised freak, but a freak nonetheless. My own stepfather doesn’t even try to understand… But then again, he has the same bias toward Trekkies and lovers of Star Wars.

That’s not the root of the issue, though… My major problem right now is that I can’t fully pull myself out of the nostalgia, and it has nothing to do with me being a freak. I function socially, I have friends, I have hobbies, I have a job, I have career goals. I’m a normal (albeit slightly neurotic) college student. I just also happen to have had Harry Potter in my life for the last thirteen years.

I have always turned to books for everything. When I was younger I would use them for comfort, for calming myself down, for making myself happy, for feeling accomplished, for inspiration. The Harry Potter books were always at the forefront of my library, the first ones I reached for if I needed anything. As the movies and games came out, I added them to my collection of Harry Potter things. I became heavily invested in the story, the characters, and most importantly, this magical world that J. K. Rowling had created for the readers. I read other books, but none of them ever had the same impact that Harry Potter had on me. None of them provided me with tangible, realistic role models. None of them gave me more than a momentary connection with the characters. I don’t know what it was about the Harry Potter books, but something about them resonated within me and made me want to come back whenever I pleased.

People around me seem to think that this is just a phase, that it won’t matter in ten more years, that I won’t care about it anymore. Well, that’s what my parents told me ten years ago. My dad would always joke about how I wouldn’t even remember these books by the time I was eighteen. The fact that I spent the wee hours of my eighteenth birthday in the local theatre at the midnight showing of DH Part 1 is a testament to the falsehood of this idea. The fact that I’m now approaching twenty and have shared the books with my siblings and plan to do so with my future children blows this assumption out of the water.

Harry Potter is NOT a phase, for those of us who grew up with it and became attached. Harry Potter is a book series, a movie franchise, a game series, and a string of memories that we will carry around with us for the rest of our lives. My own thirteen years (and counting) with Harry cannot be lost so easily.

I’ll never forget gasping when I saw the words “It was Quirrell.” I’ll never forget bouncing around in the theatre during my second time seeing Sorcerer’s Stone, unable to contain my new-found excitement. I’ll never forget trying to adopt an English accent in fourth grade. I’ll never forget asking my dad for help jumping over the chasms in the Flipendo lesson in the Sorcerer’s Stone video game. I’ll never forget smugly watching my aunt jump out of her seat at the surprise!-it’s-the-basilisk-in-your-face-now part in Chamber of Secrets when I went to see it with her for the third time. I’ll never forget playing the Weasley Kitchen Game and the Quidditch tryout games as much as possible. I’ll never forget the sense of pride when I picked up my preorder of Order of the Phoenix. I’ll never forget opening up the Harry Potter website and trying to sing along to Double Trouble without knowing the words. I’ll never forget my first Imax experience: Goblet of Fire. I’ll never forget picking up my copy of Half-Blood Prince at midnight and staying up until 4 AM to get a good start on it. I’ll never forget crying over Dumbledore’s funeral, and crying harder when I paired reading it with “Hymn to the Sea.” I’ll never forget going to the midnight showing of Order of the Phoenix with a gargantuan group of friends and being worried about being split up. I’ll never forget theorizing endlessly over what would happen in the seventh book. I’ll never forget reading Deathly Hallows for the first time. I’ll never forget consoling myself with the idea that there were still movies to come. I’ll never forget my eighteenth birthday. I’ll never forget my first trip to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I’ll never forget seeing Universal!Hogwarts for the first time. I’ll never forget walking through the halls of my fictional school, tasting my first Butterbeer, or buying my very own wand.

And I’ll sure as hell never forget July 15, 2011.

Nox.

Mood: Weird. Does that count as a mood? … Screw it, I say it does.

~~~~

So I’m switching universities in the fall. I’ve been accepted to a much larger university with a more extensive music program, and I hope to audition for said music program in the fall. Well, more like I hope to get accepted into said music program. I’m auditioning, there’s no question about it. I’ll be practicing my face off this summer. To do that and NOT audition would be stupid.

Anyway. Apparently I forgot to tell some people. And the ones I did tell have been telling me “DON’T GO AHMAHGAHD” or something along those lines. And OUCH. It’s touching that so many people are going to miss me, but really, all the goodbyes are making it harder and harder for me to affirm to myself that I’m doing the right thing. Time to muster up that inner Gryffindor of mine and be brave and headstrong. Because being brave and headstrong? Definitely my strong suit. >_>;

It doesn’t help that my roommate and I are at a weird point in our relationship. I’ve been frustrated with her for a while now, but now that I’m about to leave I honestly have no idea what the hell is going to become of our formerly-close friendship. So my feelings are exploding over that. That and the fact that another one of my formerly-close friends left a few days ago without saying goodbye to me. More OUCH. I know my roommate explained to me that her way of coping with me leaving was to ignore me, and I suppose I can assume the same of this kid too, but… Jesus, guys, I’m still here.

Well, until tomorrow anyway.

I don’t really have anything else to say at the moment, other than I hope my summer ideas work out and that I’m not majorly digging myself into a hole by transferring. I’m such an optimist.

Thanks, Northern, for helping me figure out what I really want to do. Sorry I can’t stay, but I’ll come visit. I couldn’t not. I really will miss you.

Nox.

Mood: … Reverent? Deeply sympathetic? Something along those lines. (y)

~~~~

So it’s now 2:26 AM (at the start of this post, anyway). The Titanic fully sank one hundred years, two hours, and six minutes ago. I say two hours and six minutes because my timezone is two hours behind that of the Titanic when it sank. I commemorate the anniversary at 2:20 EST anyway, but it’s not completely accurate.

REGARDLESS.

I’ve watched the movie, and I’m now watching the… fourth? Titanic documentary of the day. Though this one has no commercial interruptions, thank God, because I own it. That’s basically how I’ve spent my day today. Rereading my Titanic books, watching documentaries, and bringing in 2:20 AM with “My Heart Will Go On”… but the last one was completely accidental; the movie ended at that time. I swear to God I wouldn’t do that on purpose.

Why am I bothering to do all these things, you ask? Or not, because you’re likely not interested enough to ask. xD Well. It all started when I figured out that the movie was based on real events. I was five when the movie came out, so of course my parents didn’t take me to see it. I vaguely remember hearing about it, asking questions, and reaching the conclusion that there had indeed been a ship called Titanic, and that it had indeed struck an iceberg and sunk.

I managed to not think about it too much until I got older, when I found out about the Edmund Fitzgerald being more than just the subject of a song (and that is FAR more local; the Edmund Fitzgerald sank in the lake that’s five miles away from my dorm, though not in this EXACT part of it) and saw the movie for the first time. It was then that I realized that I was genuinely fascinated by shipwrecks. So I decided to learn more… and more… and more. I bought and received books, went to artifact displays and museum exhibits, watched documentaries, looked up passengers, wrote my own Titanic stories, commemorated the anniversaries from the 93rd to now, and generally gained a deeper appreciation for the ship and the people involved in the tragedy.

The friends I’m not as close to often mistake my fascination with the wreck for obsession with the movie (or Leonardo DiCaprio… and I can’t entirely deny that one). A lot of them don’t understand the extent to which I have delved into the story of Titanic. I’ve come to realize that I’m the only one of my friends who has more than a mild interest in the subject. My family and a few of my close friends are well aware of how I feel, though… The only problem is that I can’t help but wonder if I can truly trust them to not judge me for it. Like a few hours ago, my roommate wandered into our room, saw me watching the movie, said “You would”, and promptly wandered back out. I’m not too fussed by it, because I’ve figured out that neither of us really understands the other, but it still irked me a bit.

I’d attempt to describe exactly what I’m feeling more accurately, but all I can really say is that for me, tonight is a night to grieve. I’ve been very profoundly affected in my research on this tragedy, and it’s something that not very many people can or will understand. It’s just kind of something that they have to accept.  I’d almost equate my feelings to those of Dr. Robert Ballard, the man who discovered the wreck, but to a much lesser extent (because obviously, I haven’t explored the decaying ship, or even seen it). He says that he couldn’t talk about the Titanic for four months after discovering the wreck in this documentary that I’m currently watching. And I don’t blame him at all.

Involving yourself in Titanic’s story really does make you feel at least SOMETHING. It’s fascinating, tragic, mysterious, and sobering. It reminds you that mistakes happen, sometimes with deadly results. It’s a testament to all aspects of humanity: Pride, arrogance, celebration, innovation, camaraderie, segregation, sacrifice, love, loss, grief, morbidity… Pick anything that is distinctly human, and there’s an example of it in this tragedy.

So to all of the passengers and crew of Titanic, all the builders, all the masterminds behind the design of the ship, all the families of the victims and survivors… I hope you are all at peace now, dead or alive. I’m sorry for what you’ve suffered. I don’t know any of you, but know that you have my best wishes and my endless respect.

And if you’re still reading this, I apologize for being kind of incoherent.

Nox.

Mood: Unpopular and opinionated. Or something.

~~~~

Okay, so a bit of background before I leap into my unpopular opinions: I was on Facebook (because EVERYTHING happens on Facebook, obviously), innocently browsing through some Harry Potter fansite picture things, when I happened upon one that said something along the lines of “Voldemort had a nose in the first movie… where’d it go!?” This prompted me to post a brief explanation of the fact that I could honestly not care less about the status of Voldemort’s nose. Which led me to the “unpopular opinions” tag, which made me want to list a few unpopular opinions I hold.

Sooo here goes, I guess. A lot of these will be fandom-related. Doctor Who, Harry Potter, Game of Thrones, etc.

Some things I think:

• Glee needs to go away. The music is obnoxious.
• If a character’s name sounds stupid in my head, I automatically can’t take the book or film or whatever it is seriously. I stopped reading Graceling the second I found out that the main characters’ names were Katsa and Po. The Hunger Games was difficult for me to stomach the first time for this reason.
• Changing around the lyrics of “Sexy and I Know It” to fit a certain character isn’t funny.
• You can actually fangirl too much. *hypocrisy*
• I don’t like Amy Pond. Sue me. I think she’s annoying and shallow.
• I prefer handwritten letters to emails. A little less convenient, but a hell of a lot more personal. As well as a bit romantic. (Someone in the background: Saaaaap.)
• I prefer train travel to flying.
• I… don’t actually know how I feel about Legend of Korra just yet. That’s hard for me to say, because I wanted to love it to pieces. I just can’t. Something about Korra flying in the face of her teachers reminds me of every other cartoon I’ve seen. So did Avatar, but at least Avatar had a good general story arc and a ton of AWESOME character development. Maybe Korra will have the same? I hope so… I really don’t care for what I’ve seen so far.
• I think Bran Stark is a boring character. And I don’t like Meera and Jojen Reed; for whatever reason, I thought they were wildlings at first, and I thought (hoped) they were going to go away eventually. I’m on book four and they’re still around. D<
• I actually REALLY like pink and yellow. This qualifies as “unpopular” because all of my friends detest the colors pink and yellow with a fiery passion. Yellow is a bit trickier to get right than pink, but when it’s done right, I love it.
• Getting up early once in a while is kind of nice.
• I still listen to Paramore on occasion, and while the songs aren’t profound, stunning works of art, I actually enjoy them a little.
• Rompers can be cute if they’re worn right.
• I thought Neville’s speech in DH Part 2 was stupid. I had been waiting to hear him say, “I’ll join you when hell freezes over! DUMBLEDORE’S ARMY!” for so long… and then I got something straight out of a romcom. ;-;
• It also really bothers me that the writers didn’t stick to canon and went ahead with Neville/Luna in the last movie. I’m an avid Neville/Luna shipper, don’t get me wrong… but I’ve come to peace with the fact that JKR let them go their separate ways. I didn’t like how they stuck that in.
• While we’re on the Harry Potter tangent… I HATE how people sometimes use Aaron Johnson and Karen Gillan for James and Lily. I know, the actual actors are a bit too old for James and Lily, but honestly, Karen and Aaron don’t fit the parts at all. Besides, I see Karen as Harry’s daughter. VH has forever ruined my perspective on using Karen Gillan as a lookalike for Lily Evans. xD
• I’m not crazy about Star Wars. I like the old trilogy, but I don’t care enough to watch them again and again. I can understand why it has such a massive fanbase, but it’s just not for me.
• I thought the whole River Song storyline ended up being extremely predictable. Maybe it’s just because I overthought EVERYTHING and ended up buying into the hype way too much, but… I was annoyed with how much I predicted. I guess I thought that Moffat would put in some crazy twist or something.
• Somewhere, I found something about how Christopher Eccleston was up for being cast as Stannis Baratheon for Season 2 of Game of Thrones. I now can’t picture Stannis any other way, so whoever is playing him in the series looks wrong to me.
• I would rather you poke me on the head to get my attention than tap me on the shoulder. I don’t know why. Something about it just irritates the pants off of me. Seriously, I wish I knew why, because telling people to poke me on the head instead of tap me on the shoulder is such a strange request. My little sister is the only one who actually does it. Seriously. Just poke my head. Mess up my hair. Poke me in the back. Fake-kick me. Say my name. ANYTHING ELSE. Just do NOT tap me on the shoulder. Not really an unpopular opinion… more of a pet peeve. But I’m counting it anyway, sooo. Moving on.
• I differentiate between football and American football, even though I’m American. Calling it “soccer” doesn’t make sense to me… and yet I do it out of habit. My actions clash with my thoughts. That’s got to qualify as cognitive dissonance. D<
• I’m not exactly a nature girl, but I would much rather go on a hike than go to a beach. Mostly because I think tanning is stupid… as demonstrated by the fact that I’m generally paler than sand.
• I’ve seen too many pictures of amazing scenery to truly be impressed by what I see in pictures anymore. It’s only really astounding to me if I’m there. Call me a jaded asshole, but it’s true. I blame my brief stint on Stumble. ;-;
• Mint-chocolate anything tastes nasty to me.
• But I LOVE super-dark chocolate. Like 85% - 90% cacao. The kind that most of my friends spit out because it’s so bitter.
• I can’t get into the Mortal Instruments series. It reminds me too much of Twilight.
• I don’t care about the Superbowl.
• I don’t understand why people thought Bridesmaids was awesome. I also don’t understand how it got into the Oscars. 
• I think chicken nuggets dipped in a Frosty taste fantastic.
• Hannah Montana actually appealed to me when it first came out… and then it started annoying me somewhere along the line.
• As much as I might say that a job in scientific research would be cool, just to go along with what my friends think… I’m really not that interested in science. I’m a lot more interested in history and psychology and literature and music and cultures. Human consciousness is fascinating to me. Do I care that it’s a diminishing, “unimportant” field with a smaller salary on average? Nah, not really.

… I think that’s about it. I’m starting to get distracted by reading other unpopular opinions. So I’m going to stop here. Sorry if you hate me now or something. Just felt like I had to get that out there. I have friends who all have very strong opinions, and they sometimes like to tell me that my own thoughts are wrong.

So I’m posting my thoughts here, where people will simply ignore me if they think I’m wrong. :) Thanks for bothering to read, and my apologies for getting distracted and rambling toward the end.

Nox.

The closing shot of every Harry Potter movie. 

Mood: *more excited squeeing*

~~~~

So about the last post, when I said I wanted something to go right for once… Yeah, everything did at once.

First: I GOT INTO THE SCHOOL THAT HAS MY PROGRAM AHMAHGAAAHD — Imean. I was accepted to a pretty awesome university with a TON of opportunities for me to get where I want to go, career-wise. So I’m one step closer toward my ethonomusicological (totally a word) goals. THAT’S PRETTY DAMN AWESOME. Regardless as to whether or not I get into the actual music school, I’m in and I can complete my undergrad degree there and I won’t have to live in the dorms and it’ll be FANTASTIC and EEEEE. :3

Second: I get to play with the MSO in the next concert!!!! … No, not the Milwaukee Symphony, sadly. Marquette Symphony. I wish it was the Milwaukee Symphony… Holy God, if I could play with them, my life would explode. Not just me, my possessions, my goals, my dreams. My LIFE. Well, actually, that might be a more accurate reaction to assign to the scenario of being asked to play with the Berlin Philharmonic.

REGARDLESS. I get to play with a professional symphony, and not just as a guest or a high school student. For this one concert, I’ll be a member of a professional symphony. I… I can’t even. Nineteen and on my way to being a professional musician. That feeling is just more than words can describe. Maybe because I thought it couldn’t happen to me? Something like that? I dunno. WORDS. I am at a loss for them. ;-;

Third: STILL GOING TO LEAKYCON YAY :D

Fourth: GAME OF THRONES AND KORRA. So Game of Thrones Season 2 debuts in TWO DAYS. I can’t even begin to tell you how ridiculously excited I am over it. DRAGONS. And some BADASS swordsmanship. But more importantly, DRAGONS. Spoiler if you haven’t seen the end of the first season: Daenerys’ dragon eggs hatch, and the last episode ended on a wide shot of her standing with two of her three dragons in her arms and one on her shoulder, and the one on her shoulder starts roaring, and the music builds, and then BLACK.

And then I was a massive fangirl.

Also, KORRA. It’s the very-anxiously-awaited (at least on my end) followup to Avatar: The Last Airbender, which is without a doubt my favorite cartoon series of all time. Sure, I have liked/continue to like/will like other cartoons too, but something about this one has just stuck with me. Perhaps it’s because the bending of the elements is always absolutely flawless. Or maybe it’s that I still can’t let go of the fact that Zutara didn’t happen, even though it was hinted at so much it was RIDICULOUS. Fanrage. D<

Fifth: The Hunger Games movie was FANTASTIC. I’d struggled with the series just because I wasn’t sure how I felt about it, but now that I’ve had the chance to think about it more, I realize exactly how cool it all is. Is it the best book series ever written? Nobecause Harry Potter is, but it’s still pretty good. The premise is particularly captivating, if not somewhat disturbing. Just the idea of having 24 random kids be sent into some secluded location to fight to the death… Yeesh. I’d be too old to be entered into the Games if they did exist, but I’d be more concerned for my little siblings than myself. And the thing is, I wouldn’t be able to do what Katniss did for her sister because we’re too far apart in age.

In sum: Finally, some actual optimism in this blog! Just thought I would share some of the awesome that has been this last week. God knows we all need a little more positivity sometimes.

… Says the one who writes depressing Harry Potter-related posts to pass the time.

Anyway. Once again, thanks for reading, and I apologize if it’s a bit wordy. Although really, what can you expect from a post that’s entitled “*insert excited squeeing here*”?

Nox.

Mood: GEH.

~~~~

What’s a lovely weekend without at least one night of feeling like complete crap, right?

This isn’t really relevant to Harry Potter, which was initially the point of this blog… But I can’t say this anywhere else, to anyone. Apart from my mother. And she’s asleep right now, sooo that’s not really an option, is it?

Everything just feels wrong at the moment. Or I feel like I’m losing my friends. Slowly but surely, I’m losing the friends I’ve made up at school. I know I’m transferring, and it’s been a REALLY long (and kind of painful) process, and it’s showing in my moods and how I’m interacting with people… But I just find it harder and harder to think of my friends as real friends. They have so many inside jokes without me, and two of the ones I hang around the most are dating now, and another one who liked me is dating another girl… Everything’s just a bit off now, and it’ll never be the same again, regardless of the outcome. And part of me can’t help but feel that they’re trying to adjust to life without me… when I haven’t even left yet. It hurts.

I don’t really know what else to say at the moment. Everything just sucks and I want something to go right for once.

… Nearly two weeks after writing this post, and I realize I’d forgotten:

Nox.

Mood: Pretty happy atm. :)

It’s Quid week on VH, which means I’m online for a good portion of this weekend. It also means that there’s a LOT of waiting around happening. My solution? A Harry Potter marathon, of course!

Well, okay, it wasn’t really my solution. A few of my housemates decided to watch Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, and they invited me to join them. I did, of course, because I never pass up an opportunity to watch Harry Potter, even if it is with other people. (I like to watch the movies by myself most of the time, just because then I’m not worried about quoting the movie line for line for line.) And of course, what happens when I watch Sorcerer’s Stone?

My WATCH ALL THE MOVIES instinct kicks in.

So now I’m having a marathon.

I’ve just finished Half-Blood Prince, so I’m coming to you in a bit of a down state, but not because of Dumbledore’s death. No, I think I’m to the point where Dumbledore’s death doesn’t make me cry. It makes me sad, yeah, but I don’t start crying. … At least, not until the students and staff point their wands to the sky with tears streaming down their faces and emotional cello music swelling in the background.

ANYWAY. What really gets me now is the scenes after, particularly the end scene, when Harry says, “I never realized how beautiful this place is.” For those of you who don’t know or haven’t guessed, like most Potter fans, I want to go to Hogwarts REALLY badly. I know it’s not real. I do. But there’s still a part of me that’s convinced that I can make my university experience as Hogwarts-like as possible, or that I’ll make it there someday.

Last year, I got to somewhat live that dream. My friends and I went to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal, and honestly, it was the single best choice I made last year. We stayed for three days and made sure that we experienced the whole park as much as we could. We rode the Forbidden Journey ride NINE TIMES (and the Dueling Dragons ride more times than we cared to count) over the course of the vacation. We had lunches of a Cauldron Cake and a glass of Butterbeer. Maybe not the best choice health-wise, but TOTALLY worth it. We waited in line for our wands. We sat and enjoyed the music that was playing in the background always.

Most importantly, though, we were sure to take in ALL of Hogwarts that we possibly could.

Honestly, even though the only glimpses of the inside of Hogwarts you can get are via the Forbidden Journey ride, it’s completely worth it. The sets are perfect, and it really makes you feel like you’re walking through the halls of the castle. (The ride itself is pretty wonderful, too, but that’s beside the point.) We spent at least an hour and a half waiting for the ride to start back up on one of the days, and during that time, we got stuck just outside the Gryffindor Common Room. It sounds strange, but… I actually started to feel like I was just lounging in the castle. It’s true! I’m really that much of a nerd.

Leaving WWoHP was REALLY hard on me, because I know that it’ll be difficult for me to go back within the next year or so. I’m going to LeakyCon this year, so that definitely makes up for it (and then some), but now that I’ve been to the closest thing to Hogwarts available, there’s part of me that really needs to go back. I never realized how beautiful Hogwarts was either, until I went.

So I suppose what I mean to say is this: The last line of HBP really resonates with me in a way that’s kind of painful. It’s not just him that’s standing on the brink of adulthood, getting ready to leave his past behind. It’s me, too. Before we left the park for good, we took one last look at the castle… and I cried a little. I should mention that I went just before the release of the final film, so everything just had a sense of closure or ending to it. Leaving WWoHP was no different.

I forget sometimes how much time has passed. Good thing the films’ endings are always there to remind me!

Nox.

Mood: Sleepy -_-

~~~~

Welp, I’m back for right now, because there’s something I need to get off my chest, and I figure that this relatively remote Tumblr is a pretty good place to do it. Most of the people around me have stopped listening to my ramblings, so I come here to vent and to share my thoughts. What I’m thinking right now is too important to keep bottled up.

And that’s that I have made a TON of mistakes and poor choices over the last few years in my relationships.

Don’t read this if you’re not prepared to read something quite wordy.

In high school, I was infatuated with a guy. I thought we would be a perfect couple, that we’d have some fairy tale romance and he’d sweep me off my feet and love me forever and all that. The most we ever did was go to the homecoming dance together, and when I tried (very feebly) to ask him out a month later, he turned me down. Now that I’ve got the blessing-curse of retrospection, I realize that I was EXTREMELY stupid to think that anything would come of my relationship with this boy. We’re still friends, and I’m fine with it remaining that way. But back then, I was absolutely devastated. I basically refused to talk to him until the summer before the start of the next school year, so for about five months our friendship ceased to exist.

It was then that I turned to a close guy friend of mine, who was dealing with some rejection of his own at that point, for support. We helped each other through, but he moved on quite a bit quicker than I did… and I started to get feelings for HIM. This was considerably awkward, because he had just broken up with my best friend. But the more we talked, the more I realized how plausible it was that he would make a half-decent boyfriend. Nothing came of that, and… well, he’s married to my best friend, and I don’t know what to make of him now. He’s changed and become more confident, which is definitely good. But along the way he’s definitely made me feel very low, whether he meant to or not. We’re friends, I suppose, but we’re not as close as we used to be.

During my last year of high school, I dated one boy and promptly broke up with him after he Facebook-messaged me “I love you”. That’s one thing about me: I tend to run if the guy says “I love you” before I’m ready to hear it or say it myself. It genuinely scares the crap out of me. Sad thing was, that relationship proved to be the most successful one I had, in terms of longevity and of communication. It lasted two months and we communicated largely through text. Patrick, I’m sorry I was such a terrible person to you after we broke up, and if you can see this, I hope you can forgive me.

And then I entered college, and boy, did the game change. Suddenly I wasn’t the forever-alone… I actually had a few people who were interested in me. Initially, I thought that I would work my way through it rationally, not let it get to my head… Yeah, that worked well. I flirted with one of my guy friends one time too many, and he got the impression that I wanted to make something happen. That was a very confusing time for me, because I didn’t know at that point whether or not I wanted to have a boyfriend.

Apparently I did, because I started dating another boy in the hall. This boy marked a lot of firsts: First kiss, first makeout, first full day spent with only the boyfriend, first two-hour phone call with a non-parent, first sense of confidence that I was indeed worthy of having someone pay attention to me. He was also my first face-to-face breakup. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I couldn’t even look him in the eye. I was terrified. I said we could be friends… and a year later, we don’t speak apart from acknowledging each other’s existence from time to time. There was a whole slew of drama unleashed after that breakup, which still hasn’t fully dissolved. He mentioned us dating once in casual conversation, and I overheard him telling a story of the time he visited my house to my suitemate.

Almost immediately after breaking up with him, I started talking to yet ANOTHER guy friend from back home, one for whom I had once harbored a bit of a sweet spot… and when I say that, I mean that I had a crush on him in middle school. We texted and Facebook chatted about Doctor Who and Harry Potter and all sorts of nerdy things, so naturally, when he asked me to be his valentine, I accepted with enthusiasm. Finally, a good guy, I thought. I can make this last. … Then we went on a few dates over my spring break, and I realized I didn’t particularly want to be with him. I didn’t think much of it until I got a text that said, “I’ve been meaning to tell you this for a while… I love you.” Being me, I flipped out and broke up with him.

Over the next few months, I got to know ANOTHER guy friend better through various hangouts in our hall’s TV room, movie nights, and other such college dorm ventures. The more I got to know him, the more I thought, Hm. I don’t mind him too much. Actually, I might like him a bit. I decided to not freak out about it, though, because I didn’t want to mess anything up. When we left school for the summer, we promised to send each other letters. It worked nicely for the first few… and then one day, I got one that was a very formal (and very flattering) explanation of the fact that he liked me. My response was something along the lines of “dhaipserhasiodfiaosduraerhsadf” and made about as much sense. I just didn’t know what to say, because I liked him, but… I couldn’t find an adequate “but”. It was just “I like him, but”.

Fast-forward to the present. I’m sitting in my dorm, in pretty much the same spot as I was last year. All of this has hit me in the face because my roommate is dealing with her own boy-related struggles at present. I’d say “and through it, I’ve realized [x]”, but I really haven’t figured anything out yet. The only things I see are that I date boys for a month or so and flee when they mention love. I’m indecisive, I’m immature, I’m flirtatious for all the wrong reasons, and I’m bad at just being friends with any guy. I’m scared to death of taking the leap into an actual relationship, but it’s somehow something I want desperately.

But this is for all of the boys I’ve confused over the last few years. TC, PR, CH, EE, TM, DD, and WC. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for presenting you with false ideas. I’m sorry for not speaking to you. I’m sorry for rejecting your friendship. I’m sorry for making you think that I wanted to be serious. I’m sorry for being such a terrible, confused girl. I’m sorry that I’m scared. Please forgive my immaturity, if not now, then sometime in the future. And know that I’m not proud of any of this.

Nox.

Mood: Pensive again.

~~~~

Oh, hello, blog.

Remember when I made some New Years’ Resolution type things? Well, I’m happy to say that I’ve managed to follow through on some of them! I’ve read Looking for Alaska and The Fault in Our Stars (both of which took me less than a day to finish because they were SO GOOD I COULDN’T PUT THEM DOWN), and I’m working on A Storm of Swords, book three in A Song of Ice and Fire. I’m also looking to start reading The Sword of Truth. Lots of swords in my readings. o_O

Anyway.

I finished my reread on the second of January, so it’s been done for a while, but it was kind of awkward. I read it all on the car ride home from Florida, but it was just my stepdad and me in the car. Oh, and the puppy. But I had to continuously turn away, or lay down, or otherwise cover my face… I cried quite a bit. I think that was only my third time reading Deathly Hallows. Something about the last book and the last film are just too painful for me to revisit often… Remember when I said I bought my copy of DH Part 2? Back on the last day of 2011? I still haven’t watched it.

Which brings me to my central train of thought for the day: Is it ever going to really get better? Will I reach a point where I cease to cry at the epilogue, or where listening to Leaving Hogwarts doesn’t strongly alter my mood? There are days when this seems the case… and then there are days when the fact that it’s all done, that my childhood is over, resurfaces and resumes eating away at my mind. It’s like a wound that’s healed some, but reopens at random.

Temporary fix: Play Lego Harry Potter Years 5-7. That way, I don’t have to think about the end AND it’s an awesome awesome AWESOME game.

Nox.